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“When all else fails, bake a cake.”

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Have you ever heard the song Cake by the Ocean? It was a song released in 2015 by a group known as DNCE. I had never heard of the group except that one of the Jonas brothers was a band member. When you have teenage daughters, you know more about the Jonas Brothers than you realize. I didn’t pay attention to all of the lyrics, but one of the lines was “I keep on hoping we’ll eat cake by the ocean.” I remember thinking how cute that Joe Jonas made a song about eating one of my favorite desserts at one of my favorite places. I think I probably knew he wasn’t really talking about cake, but it was upbeat and catchy so I didn’t think anymore about it. I mean, why wouldn’t I love an upbeat, catchy song about cake on the beach?! Then one day I was in the car with my girls and the song came on. I said, “Ooooo! Turn it up! I love this song!” My girls cut their eyes at each other and started cracking up. (Let me pause here and say that nothing makes you feel older faster than your children laughing at you for something you thought was innocent.) I was so confused until they enlightened me to the fact that cake references something entirely different to their generation. (Compare it to hearing your grandpa say he needs a new pair of thongs for his trip to the beach.) Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Maybe not, but I’ll let you figure it out on your own. If you’re like me, I spend a lot of time catching up. Thank goodness I have teenagers to keep me in line.

For the purpose of this post I would like to clarify that cake means cake—the deliciously sweet delight available in so many flavors and attached to so many milestone moments in our lives. Birthday cake. Wedding cake. Graduation cake. Chocolate cake. Confetti cake. Italian Cream cake. Red velvet cake. (Admit it. You’re thinking of Forrest Gump and shrimp right now.)

Cake is attached to some of my favorite memories. My kids’ first birthdays and their first experience squishing the icing in their hands. Our wedding where we chose to serve cupcakes so we’d have more variety—and less clean up. That one Christmas we left the dog, and the desserts, unsupervised and she helped herself to a chunk of fudgy chocolate chip cake—and didn’t die!

You might be thinking I am obsessed with cake and I’m ok with that. The reason I even started thinking about cake was born from an argument I had with my husband. Transparent moment: We’ve had a lot of those lately. Stress at work. Stress at home. I’d like to blame it only on the pandemic, but that would just not be true. However, the pandemic has brought on challenges in our family we’ve never had to deal with before. Multiple quarantines. Virtual school challenges. Mental health struggles. Missing many milestones for our kids that we never would have missed pre-Covid and only missing them now because we are being told we have to. And neither of us like being told what to do, especially when it comes to our children. All of that has led to a lot of tension at home and a rough start to the New Year. Well, all of that coupled with one undeniable truth—my husband and I are uniquely different people. If the walls could tell you anything from hearing our arguments, they might just say my husband and I are like oil and water. And I would not disagree.

Don’t misunderstand me. Our marriage is solid. I never have to wonder how he feels about me and he never has to wonder how I feel about him. So any naysayers or rumor mongers who are toying with the idea of making us the subject of your gossip, I have two words for you: Stop. It.

Here’s the thing about oil and water: on their own, they don’t mix at all. No matter how hard you attempt whisking them together, it just won’t work because the second you stop, they separate again, each fighting for their own way. However, adding in a few more ingredients such as eggs, flour, and sugar, can create something truly wonderful. Cake.

Each ingredient serves an important purpose in the baking process. Just as the eggs bind and hold the other ingredients together, our faith in God is what holds us together. While my husband and I are not perfect, nor would we claim to be (well, he might!), we pray together nearly every morning and read our bibles every day. This was a change we made in our marriage a little over a year ago and it has made a world of difference. In this way, we acknowledge that we cannot do this on our own and we ask God to help us be better than we were the day before. We ask for guidance in our marriage, to help us respect each other and treat each other with kindness, even when we may not feel like it. And on the days we fail, we find forgiveness with Jesus and with each other. (Although, for me, it might be a few days later. You know, gotta prove I’m good and mad first.)

Flour thickens the batter, helps to hold the wet ingredients together, and builds structure. As the batter thickens, it makes it harder to stir. In this case, communication is the ‘flour’ of our marriage. As much as I hate fighting, I would rather talk it out (or argue) than never talk about anything, stuffing the feelings down deep inside all while proudly boasting “Us? We never fight!” I lived like that for many, many years and when we got married, my husband (bless his heart) taught me how to stand up for myself. He might be sorry about that now. So, just as the flour makes the batter thicker and harder to stir, communication makes our marriage stronger. It isn’t always easy, but if you keep working at it, the end result is so, so good. Besides, the hard work is always worth it.

Let’s not forget the oil (him) and the water (me.) Among other things, oil adds texture. He is the adventurous one, always trying new things and forever attempting to pull me out of my comfort zone. He isn’t afraid of change. He is loyal and works hard to provide a pretty wonderful life for us. He is a fierce protector of me and our family. He stands up for what he believes in. We know he is always in our corner. Trust me…You want him on your side.

The water serves many purposes, the most important one being it dissolves the dry ingredients which helps hold the cake together. I am the peacemaker, the nurturer, the encourager. I want to be settled and comfortable and I want this for our family and everyone who enters our home. He has even referred to me as the glue of our family, the one who brings and holds everyone together. I like to believe this is true.

There are other ingredients, such as sugar, spices, and extracts that sweeten and flavor the cake. They take a good thing and make it even better. My husband is the only person with the power to completely infuriate me one moment and make me laugh the next. He makes me crazy yet keeps me sane. He has an oddly inappropriate sense of humor that makes me laugh. Every. Single. Time. Whether I want to or not. He was the first boy I ever loved (see my previous blog Our Story) and I’m in love with the man he has become. The love and laughter we have together makes everything better.

Sometimes it is best to accept that oil and water just don’t mix and they never will. You are not meant to be the best of friends or fall in love with everyone who crosses your path. Always be kind. Lend a hand when you can. But walk away if you must.

Other relationships are worth the extra effort. Cake would be nothing without quality ingredients and the work it takes to blend them all together. Don’t give up when things get difficult. Look beyond the individual ingredients and see the bigger picture. Take the oil and water, add in the other ingredients, and keep working until you have the best cake ever.

You’ll be so glad you did.

Oh…and should you decide to research the meaning of “cake” I mentioned previously, I hope it makes you laugh hysterically, and your face turns red from embarrassment like mine did.

Or it could be that you’ve been laughing all along.