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“When the life I built came crashing to the ground. When the friends I had were nowhere to be found. I couldn’t see it then, but I can see it now. There was Jesus.”

There was Jesus, Zach Williams

For as long as I can remember, music has been a lifeline for me. There are times I enjoy sitting in silence, but generally, I have some sort of music playing in the background. I have a feel good playlist that consists of songs from Justin Timberlake, Abba, Coldplay, Toby Mac, Maroon 5, Ed Sheeran, and many others. When I need to relax, I have another playlist that has a variety of artists like Sam Smith, Ingrid Michaelson, Norah Jones, John Mayer, Ben Rector, and Chris Stapleton. My favorite playlist, without a doubt, is the one I call ‘To Lift Me Up.’ I listen to it when I need to feel closer to God. It is full of music from Hillsong, Mercy Me, Casting Crowns, Mandisa, David Crowder, Bethel Music, Lauren Daigle…the list could go on and on, and it does. For nearly six hours. Plain and simple…I need music in my life.

Music, or rather the learning of it, has always seemed a bit like a foreign language to me. I always wanted to learn how to play the piano, but I never took the time, and I occasionally wonder if it’s something I would’ve been good at, but missed out on. I always thought if I could just learn to read and understand notes and chords, it would be like stepping into another realm. I equated it to learning to speak French or Spanish. If only I could learn to ‘speak’ music. Instead, I have had a lifetime of music speaking to me and, like a loyal and trusted friend, it almost always knows exactly what to say when I need to hear it.

This has especially been true since I became a Christian twenty-two years ago. It has never failed, when I am going through a particularly rough time, a song will come on to either comfort me or remind me what God has done in my life. I cannot call it a coincidence for it has happened too many times. I know these reminders are little nuggets from God because He knows what I need to hear, and He knows I clearly hear it through the lyrics of a song.

Yesterday, I heard a song called There was Jesus by Zach Williams and Dolly Parton. I’ve heard songs by both before, but this was my first time to hear this collaboration. Zach William’s has only been in the Christian music world for a couple of years. He has a deep and strong, sort of gravelly voice and when he sings, you can almost tell he’s lived every word. I don’t know how else to describe him, but I recently heard his testimony of where he was before he found God and now I am quite certain he sings from the depths of his soul because of what God has done in his life.

In his song, the chorus says: “In the waiting, in the searching, in the healing and the hurting, like a blessing buried in the broken pieces. Every minute, every moment, where I’ve been and where I’m going. Even when I didn’t know it or couldn’t see it. There was Jesus.”

I listened to this song three times before noon. If you’re going to listen to it, which I highly recommend you do, I suggest you listen with these similar filters in mind, no matter where you stand in your faith. The first time I listened to it was simply that—listening to it for the first time. The second time was because I am just a fan of Zach’s voice. (And who doesn’t love Dolly?) The third time, however, I listened closely to the lyrics and tears streamed down my face as I recalled my own healing and hurting, searching and waiting. My own brokenness.

On another note, I read an article yesterday about the lead singer of another Christian band. His name is Jon and their band, Hawk Nelson, has been around almost as long as I have been a Christian. Earlier this week, he came out and said that he no longer believes in God. The son of a pastor, he was raised in a Christian home and has never known any other type of life. Over the years, he had a lot of unanswered and confusing questions about God. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why doesn’t God do something to stop all the evil in the world? Why was there so much killing in the Old Testament when one of the commandments clearly says “Thou shalt not kill?”

Obviously, I don’t know this man or what his life has been like, and I am not judging him. I am in no place to judge anyone and I would be lying if I said I hadn’t asked some of the same questions. Everyone encounters God differently. I think it’s only human to question God and want proof He exists. I pray he finds the answers he is searching for. But still, I had to wonder if he’d ever had a true encounter with God or could he be questioning his faith because he has never known a life without the presence of God in it? A life where he had to endure hurt and heartbreak before he realized Jesus was the only one who could truly heal him. So, I don’t know, but reading his post gave me a lot to think about. Particularly my own encounter with God.

I’m not a biblical scholar and would never claim to be. I can’t answer the hard questions.

This is what I do know. I am who I am because of what Jesus did for me. I am just a woman who was hurt and broken and caused hurt and pain to others. I found myself rock bottom in the middle of my mess and that’s where I found God. I was carrying a load of guilt, shame, anger, and fear. They were so heavy, I couldn’t hold my head high. So suffocating, I couldn’t breathe. But when I found Jesus, all of that was gone. I could stand tall and breathe again. I felt freedom. My situation hadn’t changed, but my perspective had. I finally knew what John Newton was talking about when he penned the words to Amazing Grace. “Amazing Grace! How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I’m found. Was blind, but now I see.”

Through all the years. Through my car accidents, through my college days of partying, drinking, smoking, dating the wrong guys. Through the heartbreak of my parents’ divorce, through my unplanned pregnancy and single parenthood. Through my first marriage and my own heartbreaking divorce and through hoping my love would be enough to heal the hurt my kids were feeling. Through the guilt and shame that still try to creep in reminding me of choices I’ve made in the past, and I fight off Every. Single. Day. (We all have our battles, right?) Through it all—before I knew Jesus and after—He has always, always been with me.

I have never met God face to face, but I have seen Him in the beauty of a sunset on a perfect spring evening. I have seen Him in the face of my children when I first laid eyes on them. I have never physically touched God, but I have felt Him in a perfectly timed hug, in a cool breeze on a hot summer day, in the mist from the ocean as the waves crash onto the shore. I have never heard an audible voice from God, but I have heard Him through a pastor’s sermon. I have heard Him in the innocent laughter of a child, in encouraging words from a friend.

And I have heard Him speak to me through the lyrics of a song, just as Zach Williams sings in There was Jesus—”On the mountain, in the valleys, in the shadows of the alleys, in the fire, in the flood. Always is and always was”—reminding me that no matter where I’ve been and no matter what I’ve done, He has always been with me.

That is my proof.

Several months ago, I was sitting at church waiting for the service to start. For some reason, I felt compelled to write this journal entry. I never shared it with anyone and have only thought about it a handful of times since, but it seems fitting to share now.

“August 4, 2019 – Not sure why I am writing this.

I hope that when someone looks at me, they don’t see me for who I am today. I hope they look at me and know who I was and what I’ve been through, but most importantly, I hope they look at me and see what God has done in my life. I can smile because God has forgiven me. I can talk about the dark times because God has healed me. I’ve seen mountain highs and valley lows and God has been there with me through it all. Even when I didn’t deserve it. Don’t look at me and assume I have it all together. Look at me and know I am only held together by my Lord.”

If every tear I had to cry, every fight I had to fight, if I had to be broken just so Jesus could heal me. If everything I went through was to change me just so even one person could see that God is real, then it would all be worth it.

I hope that if you need proof God exists, you can look at me—a perfectly imperfect human—and know that what God did for me, He can also do for you.

Because He is also with you.

Through it all.