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“If I were you, I would’ve given up on me by now.”

The God Who Stays, Matthew West

This is long overdue and I’m sorry I never thought to write it before. We’ve been through so much together and you’ve made it so far. If I were you, I would’ve given up on me, but you didn’t. So, I just wanted to say thank you.

There’s no sense in rehashing everything that’s happened over the years. We have talked about it, cried about it, laughed about it, and mulled it over (almost daily) for years. You’ve been around long enough to know your life, while not ideal, was still better than many others. It has been said if we threw all our troubles in a pile with everyone else’s, we’d probably want to take ours back. I know that to be true with you and what you’ve been through.

I’m not sure I ever believed you’d be where you are now. Just being honest. Because, while your life was easier than some, it was still very, very hard on your heart. Some of it was by your own choices. Some at the hands of others. You could’ve held on to anger and guilt. You could have chosen bitterness, but you didn’t. You’ve always been good at beating yourself up, but you’re learning to let it go. I just want you to know that I know. And I’m proud of you.

That’s why I want to thank you for going to church with your mom that night so long ago and giving your heart to Jesus. I’m honestly not sure you would’ve survived otherwise. It was strange and unfamiliar to you at such a scary time in your life. You were pregnant and full of uncertainty. Getting saved, giving your heart to Jesus—those were things that were only talked about when you went to the Baptist church with your friends in high school. It wasn’t how you were raised. Heck, if we’re being honest, you probably weren’t even paying attention at mass and in your Catechism classes when you were growing up. Even if they did teach you about it, you probably missed it because you were too busy thinking about the cute boys sitting a few rows behind you. Right? You know I’m right.

And what on earth did you know about raising a baby? You were only a kid. True, you were older than some, but you still became another teen pregnancy statistic, another single mom statistic. You cried almost daily, certain God was punishing you for your sins. While some of those tears might’ve had to do with pregnancy hormones, I know it was more because of the guilt you carried, and it was so, so heavy. I know you were ashamed, but when you gave your heart to Jesus, a huge weight was lifted! Things were still difficult and uncertain, but you finally knew what it meant to have peace in your heart. True peace like you’d never had before. You began to realize exactly how God had used your baby to save you from yourself and the path you were on, and that became a huge part of your story. And your story was just getting started.

A lot of life happened after that and you weren’t always strong. Sometimes you cussed. Sometimes you drank a little. Sometimes you would go out in the woods by yourself and scream. You had so much anger and guilt and you were desperate for some form of release. You made some really great decisions…and some really bad ones. I know it sounds crazy, but thank you for the bad ones. Unfortunately, our bad choices have a way of molding us into who we become almost more than the good ones do. Thank you for showing me you could not only overcome, but also forgive yourself.

Sometimes you made decisions on love because you just didn’t know what you needed or wanted. You didn’t really know yourself. This led to bad break-ups and broken hearts, but its ok now. It seems they have healed, and so have you. You always believed in the rom-com kind of love and spent so much time looking for it when what you really needed was to look within and love yourself first. You needed to find out who you were so you could give your best self to your partner. Some people see this as selfish, but it is so important to find yourself, and then remember to take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so thank you for being who you are and loving yourself now more than ever. You still feel a little guilty when you slip away to get your nails done or when you lock yourself in your room to write or craft, but you’re doing more of it and it’s been good for you! I just need you to stop feeling guilty!

You’ve always tried to treat everyone with kindness and give them the benefit of the doubt, even though they didn’t always deserve it and even when you were warned. Because of this, you got burned lots of times, but thank you for choosing to see the good in people and not letting the bad people—or the bad circumstances—make you bitter.

Thank you for getting up and going to work, even when you didn’t always want to. You showed up every day and did what you had to do to provide for your family. And thank you for all the meals you’ve cooked over the years, even though you don’t like cooking and may have grumbled about it once or twice. I know cooking has never been your favorite, but you did it anyway, and you’re good at it! I know your family appreciates it.

You don’t give yourself enough credit for your accomplishments. It may have taken seven years, but you finally earned your bachelor’s degree. However, I think we both know your greatest accomplishments are your kids. Being a mom hasn’t always been pretty or graceful and it certainly hasn’t been easy, but you’ve always loved them with every fiber of your being. They may not fully realize it until they have children of their own, but I think they know you’ve always been, and always will be, their biggest fan. Thank you for teaching them to be kind and decent humans. And thank you for teaching them about Jesus.

More than anything, I want to thank you for always showing up. There have been many times you could’ve easily given up and thrown in the towel, and I know sometimes you really wanted to. But you didn’t. I think deep down maybe you could always see the bigger picture. You always held on because somewhere inside, you knew brighter days were ahead.

I know we wouldn’t be where we are without Jesus, but you…you had to choose. You chose Jesus. You chose to grow up, to show up, to never, ever give up, no matter the circumstances.

So, to my 19 year old self, thank you for never giving up on us.

I’m proud of who we’ve become.